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I was a dragon at Fine Arts School
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[16 Aug 2006|01:41pm] |
Moving to Madison in two days is making me nervous nervous. I know that when this summer got off to a bad start I coudn't wait to move back as soon as possible, but after everything that's happened here in Racine I'm not sure I'm ready for the adjustment. I think I've realized that Madison isn't going to be the paradise I imagined moving back to all summer.
Worries include: finding a suitable job, making a comfortable and peaceful home with the roomies, getting through tough classes, not thinking about Brandon not being there, not missing Zac too much, and COOKING in general (because I suck at that).
Things I know will improve: relationship with the family (being out of their hair), dwindling IQ, life skills and responsibleness in general, relationship with friends I haven't seen in awhile.
I can't help but feel that I have unfinished business here in Racine. I need to remind myself that some things can't be mended or are out of my control.
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[22 Jul 2006|02:39pm] |
Saturday July 15:
Worked at Pick n Slave. Was having the worst day ever due to busyness but still felt that something in addition was amiss. Zac showed up out of nowhere and my delight in seeing him quickly dissolved when he told me I had to leave immediatly. Pivital moment of news breakage outside followed by a blurry car ride to Cal's whilst screaming at no one in particular. Beautiful weather at Brandon's house did not coincide with inevitable emotions. Broke the news to the wife.
Unforgettable things: staring up at the trees that looked like broccoli, sitting by the lake while Todd picked out rocks for me, sweating in my uniform
Hung out at Cal's
Sunday, July 16
Drove out to Zac's with Ben, Mitch and Jenny in the Stang. Found a robin's egg in a nest in a tree. Ate Chinese food at Cal's.
Monday, July 17
Went along to plan the funeral at BZ's. His mom let us sign the shirt he was buried in. Difficult to sit amongst his family yet comforting in a way. Went out to the mall to buy Bob Marley tshirts. Played "What are you doing?" with Zac while Ben bought a suit. Played with puppies then had a home-cooked meal by Vicki.
Tuesday, July 18
Worked on music surrounded by the peacefulness of Zac's home. His Mom made tacos. Ankles got badly bit up. Talked about religion with Zac and Ben.
Wednesday, July 19
Tenth day of working at 6 AM in a row. The line at the wake felt like an amusement park ride. Hard to surpress the excitement of seeing Madison friends but necessary under the circumstances. The memory of Brandon in the coffin will be etched in my memory forever. Hung out with all the other chainsmokers outside. Dinner at the Chancery with wife and Madison boys. Stopped at Kim's and Cal's and Ben's.
Thursday, July 20
Funeral. Beautiful ceremony but very difficult. Went to lunch and ice cream with the foursome. Slept at Cal's a little. Went home and slept more. Rushed to BZ's to watch the raft/pyre in the lake and the bonfire with his family. Played ultimate thumbwar with Zac, then talked to him for two hours at Cal's.
Friday July 21
Moped, cried, and cleaned all day.
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[18 Jul 2006|05:34am] |
I just miss Brandon so fucking much.
I keep wondering where he is. I wonder if he's watching us and, if so, how he feels about everything that's going on. People keep saying certain things must be "what Brandon would have wanted". But then I remember Ben saying "but Brandon didn't want to die". And none of us wanted it either. It could have been any one of us, but Brandon should have been the last one to go.
Everything is still numb. These past few days are going to stick with me forever. It's so strange watching how everyone's mood can change simultaneously from hysterical, to calm and sad, to falsely happy, but then how sometimes everyone's mood is completely different even when we're all sitting together. Spending time together like a family every day, I wish we could have all become this close for a different reason.
Let's all make sure to celebrate Brandon's life. He gave us so much loyalty and so many memories. Like Cal said, he won't die in our hearts and in our thoughts. To the best friend any of us has ever had.
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[26 Jun 2006|08:23pm] |
Eep! I'm lost!
Somebody please help me find myself.
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[23 Jun 2006|06:31pm] |
I'm happy to announce that just a few days in Madison is all it takes to make me happy and myself again. I do have really good friends and college is the place I want to be right now and it's ok that I haven't found myself yet. Phew.
Caught the bus after work on Wednesday only to be stopped on the freeway by about 4 or 5 police cars that created a barracade across the 3 lanes in order to arrest this woman and remove her from her car at gunpoint. Then they pulled two tiny kids out of the car after her and stuffed them in a squad car. Sad.
Made it to town and surprised a few boys at Doty House #2. Then recieved a call from Doty House #1 and dashed across the street to say hi to Luke and John. Back with the other boys we biked over to Mills to grill out burgers and hot dogs (John was grill master) and get the drinking under way. Their first floor neighbors found a pool table in a dumpster and said that the boys could use it whenever so we took full advantage of the situation. Slept in Martinez's bed that night which was surprisingly comfortable.
Kicked it with Nic on the porch Thursday morning until he headed off to work. We made yummy french toast for breakfast. With all the boys off to work I dicked around on State Street and the Terrace until Dru called. We had tea at Electric Earth and discussed his future living situation and the value of saving. Got lunch together and finished just in time to take up Galen's invitation to go disc golfing for my first time. Unfortunately I did not hold my own against six other boys, but they were all really nice about giving me pointers and saying I should get more practice. We smoked weed in the woods along the way and ate an abundance of mulberries that were growing along the course. Back at the Mills house Martinez surprised everyone by coming to Madison for a night. Galen made spaghetti for dinner an then we made a booze run and started the night anew.
Played more pool in which I could actually hold my own and enjoyed the abundance of new guests that kept showing up. Luke and John stopped by and we discussed several things, like Luke's new passion in art for imitating textures and re-creating things that look old. This sparked an immense interest in various objects in the boys' basement, including the rusty pipes, a stain on the wall, the inside of the battered pool table, and a dingy sink that the boys use to pee in. When Martinez freaked out that he couldn't start his car Luke and John got really excited to try and figure out how to fix it, which just required pushing it to more level ground. Later I talked outside with Nic, John, and Fossum about the extreme hiker guy who got his arm stuck under a boulder and had to saw it off. Fossum and I created a new gesture that is like blowing an air kiss off your chin. Later on Peter and Fawell showed up, and informed everyone that they had discovered in an alley a "trebuchet". FYI this is a Medieval tool similar to a catapult used to launch things, and it was chilling in a backyard in Madison (?). We took a trip to check it out and Fossum set it in motion which made a lot of noise and led us to run away quite quickly.
Friday morning Martinez left very early, Galen made me yummy pancakes for breakfast, and I cut Nic's hair out on the porch. We got super high together but luckily I recovered in time to catch the bus.
I know this entry is pointless but it makes me happy. This is what I need: just a completely simple life with good people, the bare essentials in material goods, and a purpose. Right now I just feel crowded with things that don't matter, physically and emotionally, and I want to clean them out.
Fuck Pick n Save.
I want to go camping.
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[13 Jun 2006|03:46pm] |
What an adventure yesterday turned out to be.
I started my amazing and thrilling job at 6 am which re-introduced me to what life was like at that hour; I decided it was not for me. Thankfully when I got off I had consumed enough caffeine to agree to a bike ride with the charming Donell. We rode down to the beach and climbed up on the red thing, where we added our names to the bunch scratched on the side. Then D decided to pay his ticket for "kidding on the road" (perhaps the cop forgot how to spell skitching?) but the City Hall Annex was closed. Lastly I agreed to pedal all the way to his friend Erin's house for a cookout, which completed the epic bikeride and most ikely totalled it at about 10 miles. More than I've ever ridden on a bike before. At Erin's we constructed a shopping list together and made lots of delicious food with help from Grill Master D, who actually has grilled only once before at Kim R's.
Today Em and I drove to the park for a picnic/adventure. Almost got run over by a truck while sprawled on our picnic blanket and eaten alive by mosquitoes, but other than that it wasn't too dangerous.
So I guess this awfully depressing summer can still be marked by days of surprising delight, but I still can't help but wish that a) I wasn't here or b) other people were here with me.
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[20 May 2006|04:28pm] |
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Fuck yeah bitches!!!
A's in all my classes, except O Chem, in which I got a BBBBBBB!! (P.S. that's good)
Ok sorry, I just had to shout it out.
In other news, today was a lovely mother-daughter day. We paroused the Art Walk on 6th street, where I FINALLY saw the glorious Miss Sarah Underhill after what seemed like forever. And now I'm kicking myself for not buying one of Tony's awesome shirts. We picked up magical elixers at Sheepish for MonoEmma which will hopefully snap her out of this crabby mood she's been in. Then we bought flowers at Milaeger's and I switched off dreaming about what a perfect job it could be to work outside amongst the plants versus worrying it could be another horrible summer job. But I'm getting ahead of myself since I still remain UNEMPLOYED. Phoo. Then I learned to bake a cake and thus added another item to my list of life skills that my mom feels I am so terribly lacking in the wake of living on my own soon.
Morgan thinks it's funny that I told him "My mom is really excited about the new Pick n Save." So my family is cliche. We all sit down and eat dinner together. It's not something I can twist or cover up, they just are. And I'm sorry, I like it.
So I talked to Nic and Martinez yesterday, and I realize I really miss the boys. And Madison and general. And also THE BEAR POSSE! It's just so weird having two homes now. I was also remembering today our Wednesday night ritual, and I realize that my dorm room doesn't even exist anymore. Ok duh, but a place that I was totally familiar with and was my home just is not there.
I know it's silly, but I'm actually looking forward to Summerfest already simply because i know it will be a way to reunite with people that I miss a lot.
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[17 May 2006|04:10pm] |
So I just returned from the first of what hopefully will be many bike rides this summer. Unfortunately this one was merely to aquaint me with my bike. Problems so far include but are not limited to: the seat is too high, I don't have enough balance to remove one arm to signal, I don't have enough balance in general, my butt needs to get used to the seat, my wrists need to get used to hanging on, and I need a lock. Other than that, fun! Or needs to be fun because this could be one of my only modes of transportation this summer.
In other news, I am a lazy ass. No job. I have been cleaning my house but only as an avoidance practice.
That is all.
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[15 May 2006|04:46pm] |
I was thinking today how disappointed I am in myself for not writing more about how the end of my first year at college ended up. I guess it's because it all has more to do with feelings than actual events, if that makes sense. The following entry is most likely boring due to its purpose of documentation.
Classes were good. I had grades to reflect in 75%.
Art history was the easiest class and also fun; I wish I had taken the time to get to know a few more people who seemed cool and speak up more in section. My TA lent me the Barney's Cremaster Cycle: The Order on DVD and I got Myla and Alex hooked as well.
English I made some good friends and didn't work too hard.
French was enjoyable like last semester: M Slo again and lots of new aquaintances who will be in the same class next fall.
Chem was boring as hell thanks to fossil Barbara; thankfully I had Kent to get me through.
I'm most thankful for the little posse I ended up with. Wifey who means most to me in the world, Alex an amazing girl who I love to death, Jimmy who is the spark of happiness in any situation, and newly added Mel who I'm so happy to get to know.
The boys are such an interesting situation always; I love them all but I think this accounts for most of the problems I have with them. I feel really lucky to be included in a group that is always welcoming and generous and never judgmental. Sometimes I feel like things are on the brink when feelings get hurt, but hopefully they'll never go bad.
I can mark the last few weeks of school with: intense studying for finals, a few crazy drunken nights (and days) like Mifflin Street, Cinco de Mayo, The Big Wu, the Terrace, Slingshot Gallery, etc, enjoyable weather that made me love Madison forever but quickly turned shitty.... yeah I dunno. Roomie and I got into a big fight near the end but we managed to patch things up, although I can't really look at her the same way. Orchestra and Quartet concerts turned out great, and I was especially proud that my friends could make it.
Goodbyes were tough. I'll miss Alex and Jimmy. I probably messed some things up with other people. Sending the wife off was extremely difficult: we haven't been apart this long sicne 1st grade!
At this point I really don't want to be here (Racine) and just daydream a lot about my hosue next year with Myla and Amanda. I need a job, badly. We'll see how this summer turns out.
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[30 Apr 2006|02:14am] |
I can't even bullshit right now.
One of my good friends just did the stupidest thing ever out of sheer frustration and fear because one of his best friends is dying. And instead of being there for him I left. I just fucking left. If one of my best friends was in a fucking coma would I want someone to just fucking leave without saying anything? Can I even validate myself as a person right now? No. I'm such a fucking freak. All I've done is been a total bitch to this person without even knowing what he's going through. And now he's in trouble and i can't even help him. I fucking played beer pong with him and talked shit to him so brutally and I never even knew. I can't even write about how this feels. I spent the whole fucking day drinking and trying to have a good time while someone I care about has to worry about shit like this. Not fair. I am so disappointed in myself.
I don't even know. I'm fucking sorry for this. It's just not fair. I'm so upset.
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[23 Apr 2006|10:07pm] |
Godammit, I am so pissed off!!!
So I wrote this paper, in French, about to what extent civilization hides those aspects that are primitive and to what aspect it is an advantage or a heritage, and plus I took Philosophy last semester so I was fucking awesome at it, and then I FUCKING LOST IT!!! Having written it like two or three weeks ago, I have no desire whatsoever to even conjure up what it was that I wrote, and I'm certainly in no mood to do any other work either. Oh well. Just so you know M Slo, I used to have a truly magnifique paper, but no more.
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[23 Apr 2006|04:58pm] |
GOAL:
Be a better friend.
I know it sounds lame but when I think about myself lately I'm quite disappointed.
I just want to gut out the way I've been acting and thinking lately and start all over.
This has nothing to do with anyone else but me.
I'm sick of
feeling too helpless to be there for the people that I really care about
pretending to care about people that I don't
being unable to find more people to care about because I'm too lazy/ scared/ judgemental
taking everything for granted because I don't know how NOT to
Because I really have nothing to complain about.
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[26 Mar 2006|11:44am] |
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Thursday: Spring Break Speedos. Saw men of all ages and body types sporting speedos with long attatchments and fur and prancing around a gallery in the name of art. Later hung out at Panda's for a bit and then to the Doty house for some beer pong with the boys that did not help my French exam the next day.
Friday: Everclear gulping and Indie Fest at Union South. Many people there, but the music got worse as I sobered up. Discovered a huge empty room with a blazing fireplace in it and called it our own.
Saturday: Well prom. I'd say it was well done. The dress code, the decor, the music, the punch, all simulated the glee of one of these silly highschool experiences.
Hungover Breakfast has to be the hardest thing to organize.
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[22 Mar 2006|04:38pm] |
Is it wrong that I was just now snooping around on other people's facebook and noticed pictures of my graduating class partying together during spring break and felt left out? I didn't really think I cared about stuff like that anymore. Oh well.
Being back in Madison is nice. Drank with the boys, stacked it with Kent, had dinner at the Sunroom with Dru. I have yet to see the entire bear posse but I have faith that it will happen soon. Like tonight so we can make fun of fat chefs on tv.
So Casey and I have this new game where we see how many people we can freak out from our last semester French class by being overly zealous about saying hi to them. So far, we've gotten Vora, Greg, and CJ.
Luckily I've made out nicely with midterm exam grades. Weather was nice so I went running. New season of Blow Out is on. All in all life is good. Minus the Morgan situation, I dunno what's going on there. Also I dont know how I can stay awake practically all night lying in bed and still fell rested.
Basicaly I'm just rambling now. FIN
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| Spring Break in a Nutshell....for those who care |
[18 Mar 2006|08:53pm] |
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Saturday: Waited for over a half hour for the 'rents to pick me up from the airport. Turns out they thought the bus came at that time, so when they got there early, they pulled into a parking lot far away and my mom pointed towards me and told my dad "that's where the bus will come, right by that kid way over there." I ended up dragging my stuff over to them only on a sneaking suspicion that it could be my parents and more likely wondering what I would do if it wasn't.
Boozed it up with Morgan at Shillings that night.
Sunday: Triple market adventure with mom and sis. Gorged ourselves on Mediterranean food at the Milwaukee Public Market, bought ingredients for pad tai at the Metro Market, and bought yummy health food at Outpost.
Monday: Fabric shopping uncovered a cool sweater-y knit material, but not what I needed.
Tuesday: Made a skirt from said material.
Myla scooped me up in her huge truck to visit Cailtin in Milwaukee. Watched Flavor of Love, played with the adorable Caesar, got coffee and discovered crackers shaped like dinosaurs.
Wednesday: Hung out at Prince's house with Myla and Donell and other cool folks. Enjoyed the general insanity that is drunk Prince, also the chaos caused by Donell and Prince throwing things at eachother, including lightbulbs that bounce and chocolate eggs that Prince can always catch. He also made an entire trip around the room without touching the floor. And sang silly songs. But one can expect no less.
Moved on to make it to H Dubbs exactly in time to celebrate the first minute of Morgan's birthday. Hopped on over to Benny's to enjoy lots of free whiskey shots and have some quality conversation with Morgan and Preston, most enjoyably about how they would have been major trouble in high school if they had been on friendly terms and how Preston changed his name when he was 18. Also spotted Jonathon there in a full suit.
Thursday: More fabric store fun. Made the pattern for a ripoff of a ridiculously priced Urban Outfitter's sundress.
Friday: Triumph and tragedy. Finished the most marvelously copied dress ever. Sewing is my new passion.
Then off to Milwaukee for what was supposed to be a trim and shape-up for my hair. Enjoyed talking with Sarah about getting wasted a lot and tatoos/piercings. But disaster struck. Apparantly "shoulder length" means "chop off all my hair so that I have to spend another three years of my life growing it back out." I cried on the way to shop at Mayfair afterwards. I cried in the middle of P.F.Changs. I cried on the way home. I enjoyed a Spotted Cow that my mom generously offered to buy me. Then I cried myself to sleep. And cried when I woke up and realized it wasn't just a bad dream.
Ok, so today I realized what a huge baby I am, but I'm still not happy about it.
Completed sewing project #3 by resizing an old tshirt I got in Ithaca. Had the best ribs ever at Oh Dennis with the fam and got a little tipsy on two pints of Harp.
So I had hoped to go home before Friday night but that just didn't work out. Now I have to go to my uncle's bdy party tomorrow, which sounds really awful of me to say but I just don't enjoy these types of family gatherings. At least it will be funny when I show up and surprise everyone.
I feel like I've finally hit that point where Madison is enough of a home for me that I miss it. Or maybe its just the awesome friends that I have there. Who knows. At least I'm returning well-rested and well-fed (and fat).
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[02 Mar 2006|02:30pm] |
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I've never given anything up for lent before. But I think I just figured out what I'm gonna give my Auf Weidersein.
Ed's Express
Which means no more exploiting Maloney for free stuff.
I could go into how I feel about my exloitations of that entire group of boys, but that would be a whole new journal entry. Let's just say I need to talk to Brandon more about it.
Probably give up smoking too, but don't quote me on that.
So lately I've been hanging out with our little group o' fun: wife, Jimmy, Katie and Alex, yay for that. I like being able to host things in my room.
I know everyone's heard this story already, but I just want to record the fact that Tiki is dead. Yes, our fish was sick, and now he is in a better place.
The drain.
That Cat poured him down. (accidentally)
Now we have an empty bowl filled with water in our room.
This weekend most likely holds lots of studying, yuck. Will Morgan visit on Saturday as he has already promised three times before? We shall see.
I want to write good things about how excited I am for Austin, but I am fearful. Myla, Dru, Katie: pleeease let this happen.
I miss:
being home with my family
being skinny
having a sewing machine at my disposal
koala yummies
driving around with the windows rolled down
having a boy to kiss (i know, lame)
wearing hippy skirts every day
the nose ring
PS: 14 Days of Finale on bravotv.com!!!
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[19 Feb 2006|02:33pm] |
Thankfully last night capped off what had been a relatively uneventful weekend due to the insanely cold weather.
Started out with Myla and Katie in the dorms for a drunken pajama party paired with Curb Your Enthusiasm. Brilliant. We ordered a small amount of food and recieved a much bigger amoung when Maloney delivered it. After silly talk about vaginas and theoretical dating situations, Maloney convinced me and Katie to accompany him to a party in bufu, which we agreed to because we felt drunk enough not to feel cold. Party included a jam band with of course lots of jammers and all my favorite boys.
Let me just make it clear that although it is true that Peter peed on me, it was due to the fact that I was unaware that he was being a perve and peeing at the same time. But we picked eachother's noses so now we have an innate connection. Luckily no one saw me and Katie's vaginas, which are in fact still in tact and not frozen off as we had worried.
So much use of the word vagina in one evening!
Also, Katie tried to begin a game of truth-or-dare, but the boys found it too homoerotic so it failed after my belly and shin were licked. Then we all looked at a crazy trippy poster that included tomatoes with eyes, father time/christmas/wind, castles in bubbles, a fish holding a bone, and other weird stuff. Katie showed us how to break someone's shin in self-defense by breaking Brandon's dowel, which made him very upset.
So much work to do and so little motivation. I wish that my conversation with Fawell about Hemingway had inspired me to write my paper, but unfortunately it still hasn't.
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[29 Jan 2006|03:55pm] |
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I am such a little drunkie.
It seriously pains me to think about what my body is going through right now.
If your friend Casey tells you to "live dangerously" you really just should not listen.
Yeah, puke in the sink? That was me. Gross.
Also, Cat tells me that when she came back to the room I was passed out on the couch with no shirt on. But somehow I awoke in my bed with pjs on and a clean face and brushed teeth and no contacts.
But hooray for hockey games and cheers against Minnesota like "Safe-ty Schoo-l" (clap clap, clap-clap-clap). Also, I saw Mr. Will there and yelled "Dangit!"
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[27 Jan 2006|02:43pm] |
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Am I maybe becoming an alchoholic?
I don't know.
But last night was a fun Thursday complete with the Doty house, a dive bar, the Brandon/Nick/Martinez/Maloney crew, and Casa B's. All together and all good. And drunk.
The weather is completely gorgeous, I must decide the best way to enjoy it.
Also, for anyone who is interested in computer viruses, mine has seemingly contracted a very odd strain in which tiny windows pop up with either the number 1, 2 , 3 or 0, and upon closing them a different number appears.
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claymationation's journal